surrounded by emptiness

Hoolah my little corner, filled with depressing words and mundane details about my life, which is turning out to be all twisted and complicated. I’m in the pre mid-life crisis. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Maybe some of you are lucky in everything you do. You don’t get/face any disappointments. You don’t live on the verge of falling deep to the bottomless emptiness. I don’t get it why life is so really unfair to me when all I’m trying to do is to have a normal life. Disappointments after disappointments totally drain my energy. I hate any English words associated with hope, optimism, faith and what not. Simply because these words just don’t exist in my world practically. I don’t even know where I’m heading in my life.

Wonder have any of you out there has nurtured this hope and faith over a period of time and one day, this so-called ‘hope’ withers right in front of your eyes.

As you grow older, relationships are getting more and more complicated. I don’t think I can get into another one because sometimes there’s this acute pain in my mind when thinking about the past. It makes me dizzy and feel really depressed till the point when you are just numb. You just don’t feel anymore because the pain keeps carrying on and on as if it lives in you.

Wonder if any of you have ever wished to live in your past.

I had this little hope. I thought I had found a new spark in my life. The bubble burst. I kinda expected it anyway.

In this increasingly cynical world we are living dust of time keeps resurfacing, mars our perspectives.

In this increasingly aloof world we are living I will make it through I hope.

Sometimes, it’s just so hard to express your feelings. It’s not like I have anything to hide. But it’s just that I don’t know how to express my feelings to the best extent that the other person gets what I’m trying to say. Another day has gone and I’m still lying here being oblivious to the ticking of time. Being oblivious to my own existence. I wish there were someone behind watching my shadow, guiding my every dream, shielding me from the bubbles of hope and faith bursting.

I can’t continue.

I start to hate myself so much because of my beyond-gross-and-disgusting-factor body and how much of fats are wobbling all over my body and the acne scars and the pimples and the fucking huge thighs and I seriously can’t type anymore. Because if I do, many of you after reading this will never be able to eat again for the rest of your life. Sometimes, I really do try to be seriously optimistic but you see sometimes people have their strengths and weaknesses. But all I have is weaknesses. Let’s see. My studies suck and that’s why I ended up here. My face is like yucks and my skin is scattered with cysts and my hair is dishevelled. My body budges at the unflattering places. I suck at sports. I suck at playing games. I suck at managing money. I suck at prioritising my times. I suck at practically anything existing under the sun. I know I’m ugly and disgusting and fucking fat and whatnot. Not to make it worse, my social life equates zero. I am alone most of the time. I have no friends. If I were not a pessimistic person, I would have committed suicide a year ago. No fucking mood to post any pictures and I’m definitely not looking forward to ANYTHING for the time being.

Realised that my blog is damn freaking boring without the pictures but my camera is somehow bulky and thus troublesome to bring out snapping pictures. And it doesn’t help when my phone camera sucks to the max. Should I get a new camera? But if I do, where the fuck am I going to put my old camera? Anyway, it’s been damn sucky neglecting my studies so I decided not to work anymore after collecting all of my pay. Earning money sucks to the max, man. Been waiting for this call from that special somebody. But it has been MIA-ing for 2 days. And I’ve been waiting to receive the letter from that somebody as well. I keep telling myself to be expecting the unexpected. Will be leaving the house in half an hour time. And I still don’t know what to wear. Should I wear navy blue or watermelon or rose quartz today? OKKKKKK, the colours are not very manly but really they’re damn hot IRL. Posting up pictures of the tees won’t do any justice. It’s ridiculous to buy two tees of the same designs in different colours? Nevermind. I like it and I feel damn good buying them.